Bihabanye cyane n’ibisanzwe bizwi na benshi ko abagore ari bo batakaza ubushake bwo gukora imibonano mpuzabitsina n’abo bashakanye, ubushakashatsi bushya bwagaragaje ko rimwe na rimwe abagabo ari bo babanza kuzinukwa imibonano mpuzabitsina hagati y’abashakanye.
Kimwe n’abagore, uburyo abagabo bifuzamo gukora imibonano mpuzabitsina ntibyoroshye gutahura nkuko abashakashatsi bo muri Kaminuza ya Kentucky babyerekanye. Abagabo akenshi batakaza ubushake bwo gukora igikorwa cyo gutera akabariro bitewe n’impamvu zitandukanye zirimo kuba badatuje mu mitwe yabo, iyo bahangayikishijwe n’uko bari gutakaza ubutware bw’urugo cyangwa se iyo bagize ikibazo ku mibiri yabo gishobora kugabany ubushobozi bwabo bwo gutera akabariro.
Ikindi gishobora gutera abagabo kuzinukwa akabariro ni igitutu baterwa no kuba byitwa ko ari bo bagomba kuba nyambere mu gutegura no gushyira mu bikorwa iki gikorwa gihuza by’umwihariko abashakanye nkuko inkuru y’Ikinyamakuru Wall Street Journal (WSJ) ifite umutwe ugira uti “Why Doesn’t Your Husband Want Sex?’’ ibivuga.
Ubushake ku bagabo n’abagore mu gutera akabariro kuri bose ni bumwe
Kristen P. Mark, Umwalimu muri Kaminuza ya Kentucky wayoboye ubushakashatsi twavuze haruguru asobanura ibi agira ati “Iteka tuba twiteze ko ubushake bw’igitsina gabo buba buri ku kigero cyo hejuru kandi bikaba bitabafata igihe gushaka gukora uwo mubonano w’abashakanye mu gihe tuba twiteze ko ubw’abagore buva kure kandi bugatinda nyamara ni kimwe kuri bose.”
Ubu bushakatsi bwakozwe hakorwa isesengura ku bushakashatsi 64 bwakozwe ku byerekeye ubushake bwo gukora imibonano mpuzabitsina mu bagabo n’abagore, bukaba ari ubwakozwe kuva mu myaka ya za 1950.
Abahanga mu mitekerereze ya muntu n’imikorere y’ubwonko bavuga ko ubushake cyangwa icyifuzo cyo gukora imibonano mpuzabitsina gisa n’isoko idudubiza idahagarara gusa ishobora gukama mu gihe icyo ari cyo cyose. Bavuga ko ari ibintu bisanzwe kandi karemano ko umugabo n’umugore bashakana maze nyuma y’ukwezi kwa buki kumara hagati y’amezi 18 n’imyaka ibiri ukwishimirana gushingiye ku bitsina hagati yabo bombi kukagenda kugabanuka bose inkoni y’umwami ishira dondi dondi.
Ubushakashatsi bwakozwe mu mwaka wa 1994 na Kaminuza ya Chicago bwiswe bwiswe “The Social Organization of Sexuality: Sexual Practices in the United States bwerekanye ko nubwo hashobora kubaho kugabanuka ko kwishimirana gushingiye ku bitsina hagati y’abashakanye, hafi 80% ku ijana by’abashakanye bakora imibonano mpuzabitsina inshuro nke mu kwezi cyangwa no mu gihe kirenze: 32% bavuze ko batera akabariro hagati ya kabiri na gatatu mu cyumweru, na ho 47% bakaba baravuze ko bakora imibonano mpuzabitsina gake mu cyumweru. Ibyavuye muri ubu bushakashatsi bwa Kaminuza ya Chicago bifatwa nk’ibyumvikana kandi bihuje n’ukuri kurusha ibyavuye mu bundi bwose bwakozwe kuri iyi ngingo ijyanye n’imibonano mpuzabitsina hagati y’abashakanye.
Abagore batakaza ubushake bwo gukora imibonano mpuzabitsina kenshi kurusha abagabo: Ubushakashatsi bugaragaza ko umwe mu bagore batatu, hatitawe ku kigero cy’imyaka ye, bavuga ko bumva nta bushake bwo gutera akabariro mu mezi menshi y’umwaka, ugereranije n’abagabo bo bangana n’umwe muri batanu nkuko Umwalimu w’Imibanire muri Kaminuza ya Chicago Edward Laumann wakoze ubushakashatsi ku bushake bwo gukora imibonano mpuzabitsina mu gihe kingana n’imyaka 25 abivuga. Icyakora inzobere zivuga ko abagabo badakunda kuvuga ku bibazo n’imikorere mibi ishobora kubabaho mu byo gutera akabariro, bivuga ko iki kibazo gishobora kuba kiri ku yindi ntera kurushaho.
Guhangayika, kwitakariza icyizere, indwara: Zimwe mu mpamvu zishobora gutuma umugabo atakaza ubushake n’ubushobozi bwo gutera akabariro
Ubushakashatsi bwakozwe na Dr. Kristen Mark bwatangajwe mu kinyamakuru gikusanya ubushakashatsi bwerekeye umubano ushingiye ku bitsina, bwasanze impamvu zituma habaho kugabanuka k’ubushake bwo gutera akabariro buri mu byiciro bitatu: iz’umuntu ku giti cye, iz’abantu hagati yabo n’abandi ndetse n’iziterwa n’ibibazo byugarije umuryango mugari w’abantu muri rusange. Stress’, kwitakariza icyizere cyangwa impinduka zituma umuntu aba atagikurura uwo bashakanye byose bigira ingaruka ku bagabo no ku bagore kandi mu buryo bungana.
Icyakora ubushake bwo gutera akabariro ku bagabo bwo bugabanuka ku bw’impamvu zitandukanye. Abagabo barahangayika cyane igihe biteze ko ubushake bwabo buba buri hejuru nyamara ntibibe bityo cyangwa se iyo badashobora kugira umubano wabo n’abo bashakanye ikintu nyambere. Rimwe na rimwe, ukugabanuka k’ubushake bw’abagabo bibaho iyo abashakanye batera akabariro kubera impamvu zidakwiriye, urugero nko kugira ngo birinde kurwana, bitari uko bayikoze ari ukubera urukundo no gukomeza umubano urushungiyeho. Ikindi kandi abagabo bumva batewe igitutu no kuba basabwa guhora biteguye gukora imibonano mpuzabitsina ndetse no kuba ari bo bagomba gufata iya mbere muri icyo gikorwa.
Hari kandi n’impamvu zishingiye ku mikorere y’umubiri w’umuntu. Uko umugabo asaza ni ko amaraso atembera mu mubiri ku muvuduko muto, indwara nk’agahinda gakabije no kwiheba ‘depression’ cyangwa imiti y’indwara nk’umuvuduko ukabije w’amaraso cyangwa kumva adatuje muri we byose bishobora kugabanyiriza abagabo ubushake n’agatege ko kubaka urugo mu buriri.
Izi mpinduka z’umubiri kandi zishobora gutera amarangamutima y’umuntu guhungabana. Iyo umugabo agize ikibazo cyo gutinda gushyuha by’umubiri ku bashakanye [erection] cyangwa adashobora kubigenzura (bikamubaho buri mwanya akandi aho ari hose) bimutera gutangira kwisuzugura no kwiyanga ku buryo benshi bafata umwanzuro wo kureka kuba ari bo bafata iya mbere ngo bakore imibonano mpuzabitsina n’abo bashakanye.
Nkuko Michael A. Perelman, Umuyobozi wa Weill Cornell Medicine’s Human Sexuality Program abivuga “Ku bagabo mu busanzwe badakunda gukora no kwiterereza ibyo bumva ko badashobora gukora, bazihunza inshingano yo gutera akabariro kuko bumva bibateye isoni cyane [kumva ko batazanyura abo bubakanye].
Bitandukanye n’abagore, abagabo batakaza ubushake bwo gutera akabariro igihe batishimye cyangwa bumva nta mutekano bafite nkuko Dr. Laumann abivuga.
Guhangayikira kuzamurwa mu kazi, guhangayikira urubyaro, kwibaza uko bizagenda nyuma yo kujya mu kiruhuko cy’izabukuru “byose bigabanya ubushake, ubushobozi n’akanyabugabo ke [umugabo] mu buriri” nkuko Dr. Laumann abisobanura.
Ikindi, rimwe na rimwe, iki kibazo ku bagabo gikomoka mu mibanire ye n’uwo bashakanye. Gutera akabariro bishobora kuba umugenzo uhoraho hagati y’abashakanye biyemeje kubana igihe kirekire babana nyamara si ko bimera ku bashakanye batabana umunsi ku munsi. Hari ubwo umugabo akuza muri we ibyiyumvo bye ku mugore bitewe n’ibintu akura ku mugore we cyane cyane amafaranga. “Umugabo nk’uwo,” nkuko Barry McCarthy, Umwalimu w’Imitekerereze muri America University abivuga, “abona umugore we nk’umuntu mwiza, nyina w’abana, umufasha n’umuterankunga we ariko ntamubone nk’umukunzi uteye amabengeza bashobora no kwishimirana bihagije baramutse bubakanye urugo bari mu cyumba cyabo cy’umwihariko.”
Ese iyo habuze ubushake bwo gutera akabariro ku mugabo cyangwa umugore urugo rurasenyuka ?
Igisubizo kuri iki iki kibazo ni hoya. Si ngombwa iteka ko niba hari umwe mu bubatse urugo ubura ubushake cyangwa ubushobozi bwo gutera akabariro mu buryo bunoze 100% uwo bashakanye, biba intandaro yo gusenyuka k’urugo rwabo.
Gusa iyo ibi bibayeho, abashakanye baba bagomba kwicara bakaganira nta wugize icyo ahisha undi kugira ngo bamenye neza ikibazo gihari maze bafatanye kugishakira igisubizo.
Kandi birashoboka cyane ko kumva udashaka umubano ushingiye ku bitsina n’uwo mwashakanye ari ikimenyetso cy’uko atari umuntu mukwiranye muri icyo gihe nkuko Umwalimu mu by’Imitekerereze ishingiye ku mibanire y’abantu muri Kaminuza ya Herzliya muri Israel, Madamu Gurit Birnbaum abivuga. Birashoboka ko kutabana muri kumwe byatumye umwe ajya kure cyane y’undi ntabe akimwiyumvamo cyangwa intego zanyu n’ibyo mwakundaga kimwe bikaba byarahindutse.
Nkuko Madamu Gurit Birnbaum abisobanura “Umubiri wanyu ushobora kuba hari icyo urimo kubabwira.”
Icyakora nkuko inzobere zibivuga, iteka ibibazo biba bishobora gukemurwa no kubonerwa ibisubizo kandi birambye. Ikibazo nk’iki gikemuka iyo abashakanye bicaye bagasasa inzobe bakabiganiraho kandi bikaba ingirakamaro cyane iyo babikoze amazi atararenga inkombe. Nkuko Dr. Birnbaum abivuga, “Urugo cyangwa umubano w’abashakanye umera nk’uwubatse ku musenyi igihe cyose ingingo yo gutera akabariro irimo ibibazo.”
Inama nziza rero: Jya wegera uwo mwashakanye umusohokane muganire ku bindi bintu bitari iby’imibonano mpuzabitsina, mutemberane cyangwa musangire agacupa cyangwa agasoda. Niba uzi ko umubano wawe n’uwo mwashakanye ujegajega, mubwire ko ukumbuye ko mugira akandi kabariro mutera ariko utanenga. Ababana bakwiye koroshya igitutu no kwikanyiza bakemera ko uretse abagore, abagabo na bo atari buri gihe baba bifuza guhuza ibitsina.
Dr. Mark agira ati “Mu kiganiro hagati y’abashakanye, si byiza kumva ko ari wowe miseke igoroye, ni byiza ko utuza ugacisha make ugatega amatwi uwo mukunzi wawe kuko hari ubwo wabigira intambara ahubwo ugasanga usubije ibintu irudubi.”
